Inlägg50

FACTS YOU SHOULD KNOW! If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.) If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!) The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!) A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.) A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)… Läs mer

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics: 1. 29 have been accused of spousal abuse 2. 7 have been arrested for fraud 3. 19 have been accused of writing bad checks 4. 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses 5. 3 have done time for assault 6. 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit 7. 14 have been arrested on d**g-related charges 8. 8 have been arrested for shoplifting 9. 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits 10. 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year Can… Läs mer

After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The k** replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with… Läs mer

Here are 17 sex facts you'll wish you never heard... 1. One in ten European babies is conceived in an IKEA bed. 2. Alfred Kinsey, author of Sexual Behavior in the Human Male (1948), had a collection of 5 million wasps and could insert a toothbrush into his penis, bristle-end first. 3. British spies stopped using semen as invisible ink because it began to smell if it wasn’t fresh. 4. A single sperm contains 37.5 MB of DNA information. One ejaculation represents a data transfer of 15,875 GB, equivalent to the combined capacity of 62 MacBook Pro laptops. 5. Male fruitflies r… Läs mer

11) You end telephone conversations with the phrase, "You are the weakest link. Goodbye!" 10) You wonder why the people at TV guide have never won the Pulitzer Prize. 9) Your lifelong dream is to say "Live from New York, its Saturday Night!!" 8) You keep wooden stakes and garlic handy in case Buffy ever needs your help. 7) Every time someone angers you, you threaten to "vote them off the island" the next chance you get. 6) You wonder if the dog from "Frasier" will ever be as big as Lassie. 5) You write angry letters in Klingon to the producers of Star Trek wondering wh… Läs mer

,© Copywong 2020 APPLICATION FOR A PEICE OF ASS Ever gone out on a date only to discover in the first thirty seconds that you are completely incompatible with each other? She's a little bit country and you're a little bit psychotic sniper? Being single, and having done hard time at The Masturbation Emporium, it's clear that the moment has come to start using a precise screening process of my own to save everyone involved a lot of embarrassment. Simply fill in the boxes and answer the questions that apply to you the best you can, then hit the trusty "Email" button at the bottom, and hey… Läs mer

A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby." The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby doctor? What's wrong?" The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite." The woman is confused. "A hermaphrodite..... what's that?" The doctor replies, "Well, it means your baby has the.......er......features....of a male and a female." The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh MY GOD! you mean it has a penis..... AND a br… Läs mer

Kate was standing in the kitchen cooking dinner. Her husband Paul was in the living room drinking a beer and watching the game. "Honey, you need to come in here and fix the fridge. The door is broke and if you don't fix it the food will go bad." Kate said. Paul yells back, "Who do I look like the GE man, I Don't think so." A little while later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the hall light, it's out." "Who do I look like an electrician, I don't think so, " Paul says. A few minutes later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the porch step before someone gets hurt on it… Läs mer

I use public transportation to get to and from work. It is much more relaxing than driving, however it also means I must put up with the occassional jerk. This morning, I was treated to a yuppie jerk getting a comeuppance. There were 2 men sitting directly across from me on the Metro train. One man was the typical arrogant, imeccably dressed lawyer type: navy blue pin stripe suit, starched white shirt, cufflinks, suspenders, silk tie, polished, tassled loafers, with his legs crossed and work stretched out with no regard for the person seated next to him. The other man was a much older… Läs mer

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Of… Läs mer

Little Johnny sees his mother walk out of the shower and sees her vagina. He asks her what it is and she embarassed replies, "Oh, that's mommy's black sponge." A few days later, Johnny spills a glass of milk on the floor and says, "Mommy, I need your black sponge to mop up the milk!" She replies, "I lost it, honey." A couple of days later, he comes running up to her and says, "Mommy, I found your black sponge!" Mystified, she says, "Where, honey?" Little Johnny says, "It's over at Mrs. Johnson's house, and Daddy's washing his face in it!"… Läs mer

One day little Johnny's neighbor was washing dishes and saw little Johnny out the window sitting on the steps. She saw him eat a jelly bean, bite the cats tail and move down a step. She continued to watch him and he did it again (eat a jelly bean, bite the cat's tail and move down a step). When curiosity got the best of her, she went across the street and asked little Johnny what he was doing. He said "I'm playing truck driver". She asked him "Well Johnny what does that mean?" He said "I'm popping pills, eating pussy and moving on!"… Läs mer

An apple, a banana and a penis got into an argument one day. The apple says sadly "I have the worst life ever. People take one bite of me and throw me on the ground." The banana says "You think thats bad? People take off my clothes, eat my insides and leave my clothes on the floor." The penis laughs. "You guys have it easy. You try having people sticking you in dark, wet caves, putting bags over your head, messaging you for hours and making you do push-ups until you throw up!"… Läs mer

Billy was on holiday in America and didn't speak very good English. It was his last day and he was heading to the airport to fly home, but first he needed to buy a few things. He ends up going to the store and asking the clerk for some "BUM". She sits there and thinks for awhile and then says, "Oh you must mean gum." Then he goes to the fish store and askes if he could get some "FUCK IT". The fish man thinks and says, "Oh I get it, you must mean Bucket (bucket of fish)" Billy shakes his head as YES. Then he makes a trip to the pet store and says, "Could I get a cock and spank it?"… Läs mer

Did you fart, cause you blew me away. Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special My Love for you is like diarrahia ... I can't hold it in Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out. Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them. Are you a gardner, 'cos I want to put your tulips and my tulups together You've got all the curves, and I got all the angles I can't make a cherry pop, but I can make a bananna cream If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole Hey do you live on a chicken farm? 'cos you'r… Läs mer

He: Can I buy you a drink? She: Actually, i'd rather have the money He: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours. She: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours. He: Your face must turn a few heads. She: And your face must turn a few stomachs. He: Haven't I seen you some place before? She: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore. He: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. She: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing. He: How do you like your eggs in the morning? She: Unfertilized. He: I want to give myself to you.… Läs mer

1. "I'm down here." 2. Just because I've got bells on my shoes, doesn't mean I'm a sissy. 3. I was once a lawn ornament for 'NSync. Want to meet them? 4. I can get you off Santa's naughty list. 5. I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys. 6. I'm a magical being. Can I try to make your top and bra disappear? 7. No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks over at Keebler. 8. Get an eyedropper of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man. 9. You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig. 10. I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners!… Läs mer

I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed rock. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room. Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be. Let's do breakfast tomorrow. Should I call you or nudge you? Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way. Is it that cold out or are you just smuggling tic-tac's. You with those curves, and me with no brakes ... Aw, girl, I'm gonna have to put you on my "To Do"… Läs mer

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